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6.13.2007

Under The Bleachers

We met up with Tampa Bay Devil Rays outfielder Elijah Dukes this afternoon to talk about his many adventures in sperm donating.

Elijah Dukes knows not of contraceptionLizzy: "Elijah, we could begin the interview if you'd kindly get your hands the hell off of me."

Dukes: "Pssh. Whatever, dawg."

Sooze: "It seems yet another young lady has named you the father of her baby - a seventeen-year-old foster child?"

Dukes: "She said she was 18, yo."

Lizzy: "Luckily for you, there will be no legal ramifications since the age of consent in Florida is 16 if the whoopie is made on the love seat of a Foster Home."

Sooze: "How did you react when she told you the news?"

thirst-quenching!Dukes: "Well, at first I wanted to take a picture of my gat and text it to her, but I threw a Gatorade at that [redacted] instead, dawg."

Lizzy: "Hey, it looks like those anger management classes are really working for you!"

Sooze: "Have you ever considered using condoms?"

Dukes: "[Redacted] that, dawg."

Lizzy: "Considering the price of contraception compared to the cost of child support, maybe you should look into that."

Hi! Put me on your junk so you don't make any babies that you don't want!Sooze: "Here, we brought some along for you."

Dukes throws a Gatorade at Sooze

Sooze: "Was that really necessary?"

Lizzy: "Dude. Keep your eyes off of my goods."

Sooze: "Yeah, what the hell? Look here! (points to eyes) Not here! (points to ma'ams)"

Dukes: "I thought I was gonna get some action here, dawg. I'm out."

Sooze: "We look forward to hearing about your next illegitimate child adventure!"

Lizzy: "Don't drink the Haterade!"

[Elijah Dukes Is Such A Bastard] | [] | [What The Hell?]


6.09.2007

Under The Bleachers

We met up with Chicago Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano today after we read and re-read this heart-warming interview with ESPN.

Zambrano and Michael Barrett 'shared tears' the day after their dugout slugout.Sooze: "Carlos. May I call you Carlos?"

Zambrano: "Call me Big Z, baby."

Sooze: "Alright Big Z. First thing's first. What the hell is with all this crying nonsense?"

Lizzy: "Yeah. There's no crying in baseball."

Zambrano: "Well, Barrett came to me the next day [after I kicked his ass], and he apologized and I apologized to him... and we cried."

Sooze: "Umm. I'm sorry, are you crying right now?"

Zambrano: "I still love him."

awkward silence

Zambrano: "Can I get a tissue?"

Sooze: "Would you like a tampon?"

Know how I know you're gay?Lizzy: "Oh, God. What is this - an episode of Grey's Anatomy? I can't take it any more."

Zambrano: "I told you I didn't want to talk about that."

Sooze: "I dont know about you Lizzy, but I like my hurlers tough-as-nails. There's no crying after a beatdown. It's simply unacceptable."

Lizzy: "Yeah, I think we're probably done here. Thanks for the memories, Big Z."

[actual quotes]

[]


6.02.2007

Under The Bleachers

Michael Barrett: post-brawlWe met up with Michael Barrett at the hospital this morning - his face barely recognizable: misshapen and swollen from the pounding fists of fury that is Carlos Zambrano. He reminded us of a battered housewife.

Barrett: "You know ladies, if I may get the first word, I've been in brawls before. And I've always emerged the glorious victor. Take Exhibit A for example. Here is a photo montage of me punching A.J. Pierzynski in the face."

Lizzy: "Michael, lots of people have punched A.J. Pierzynski in the face."

Sooze: "Yeah, and I would think it wouldn't be that hard to do either. He's not all that brilliant."

Barrett: "Hey, don't discount my ass-kicking."

little did michael barrett know, he would get his ass kicked roughly 10 minutes later in the clubhouseSooze: "The one you received last night?"

Barrett: "No! The time I beat up that asshole A.J."

Lizzy: "Michael, please stop changing the subject. We're here to talk about why Big Z beat the crap out of you last night in the dugout and later in the clubhouse."

Barrett: "First of all, he didn't beat the crap out of me. I just bruise easily."

Sooze: "Of course. Was it the passed ball that upset him? What did you say to provoke such anger?"

Zambrano's mamaBarrett: "I called his mama ugly."

Lizzy: "Ooooh. Don't ever call a man's mama ugly. Especially on his birthday. The result is a royal beatdown nine times out of ten."

Sooze: "Case and point."

Barrett: "It was my birthday when I pummeled A.J. Pierzynski!"

Lizzy: "No. No it wasn't, Michael. I think it's time you put that glorious day behind you and come out and admit what a sissy you are."

Sooze: "That's right. And we're here to help."

Barrett: "Really?"

Lizzy: "Yes. I'll start. Michael, I think you're a pussy."

Sooze: "And I think you fight like a girl."

Barrett: "Hey!"

Lizzy: "Michael, just listen. It's for your own good."

we gave him a nice Babes Love Baseball therapy sessionSooze: "It's called Therapy."

Barrett: "Okay."

Lizzy: "If you would just repeat after me... 'I Michael.'"

Barrett: "I... Michael..."

Lizzy: "Am a total bitch."

Barrett: "..."

Sooze: "You can do this, pal. We're you're friends, here."

Barrett: "Am a total bitch."

Lizzy: "Zing! Did you get all that on tape?"

Sooze: "Yes! Now let's go put it on the internets!"

Barrett: "Daaaamn it!"

*cries into pillow*

[Happy Birthday! I'm Gonna Kick Your Ass!]


5.22.2007

Under The Bleachers

Jonathan Papelbon has Titanium nuts.
As the season progresses and Soozy and I have become more well-known for not just our hotness, but our vast baseball knowledge, Jonathan Papelbon called us up and asked for the opportunity to let America get to know the hot ass brain behind the next Mariano Rivera.

Lizzy: Ummm... Jon, I mean, Jonathan... *giggle* sorry. Thanks for sitting down with us.

Papelboner's titanium nutsPapelbon: No problem. You girls have another chair around? My Jupiter-sized titanium nuts need their own space.

Lizzy giggles again. Sooze punches her in the arm.

Sooze: So Jonathan, you've said you want to model your career after that of the great Mariano Rivera. How do you feel about him getting his first save of the season on April 28th?

Papelbon: Yeah, he's clearly the best in the game. I mean, not now of course. I am. Me and my balls.

Lizzy turns red, twirls hair, and giggles.

Sooze: You'll have to excuse my friend Lizzy here. She's got a raging Papelboner.

Papelbon: Stares blankly.

Lizzy giggles.

Papelbon: Major League The Departed is the greatest movie ever. That's why "Wild Thing" "Shipping Up To Boston" by the Dropkick Murphys is my entrance music at Fenway.

Sooze: Uhhh...great. Lizzy, do you have anything to say?

Paps' mohawkLizzy: Um, like, I love baseball. And I write kind of good, and you're really, really hot. My hair is blonde and so is yours and I loved your mohawk last season and you are very tall.

Sooze: So, how do you feel about the nickname "Paps Smear."

Papelbon: Yeah, me and my balls, we can smear the ball over the plate.

Sooze: Clearly, that is not what I meant.

Enter Curt Schilling.

sock-gateSchilling: Dude. What the hell are you doing? I told you, you are not allowed off of the practice field until that slider is perfect.

Papelbon: *cries* Sorry, Daddy Curt, I know you know best. Sorry, ladies. Me and my balls have some work to do.

Lizzy faints.

Sooze: Well, uh, thanks. Good luck to you and um... your testicles.

[Papelboner's Stats] | [More Under The Bleachers]

*Check out (one of our Season Ticket Holders) who put Sooze on the hot seat today with ...


5.02.2007

Under The Bleachers

Photo of John Kruk's out-of-control hair courtesy of The Sports Hernia
We caught up with John Kruk's hair this afternoon to find out what the hell happened to it.

Lizzy: Hi.... hair.

John Kruk's Hair: Helloooooo ladies.

Sooze: Would you please enlighten us as to why you've grown so unmanageable?

Eric Byrnes' hair has a reputation for being out of controlJohn Kruk's Hair: It all started when Orel Hershiser's hair and I were hanging out on the set. We were reminiscing about Eric Byrnes' hairstyle he was sporting during his appearance on Baseball Tonight during last season's playoffs.

Lizzy: Of course.

John Kruk's Hair: We were talking about how fun it would be to grow long and luxurious before going completely bald.

Sooze: You do realize how ridiculous you look, right? I mean, it's rather distracting. Viewers have a hard enough time taking whatever comes out of John Kruk's mouth seriously without -

John Kruk reportedly loves hoagiesJohn Kruk's Hair: Oh, his mouth is a different story. I have no control over that bastard. When the mouth and brain get together, it's totally out of control. Especially around lunch time. And dinner. And breakfast and...

Lizzy: We get the idea.

Sooze: So, the whole gelled-mullet thing is in nowadays? Cause I wasn't aware.

John Kruk's Hair: No, but Orel's 'do and I feel it's making a comeback!

Lizzy: Highly unlikely, but we'll make a note of it.

Sooze: That's all the time we have left for today. Thanks for your time, Mr. Hair. You're truly bold and unpredictable.

John Kruk's Hair: I do my best to offend.

[Photo of Kruk's hair courtesy of ] | [Photo of Byrnes' hair courtesy of Can't Stop The Bleeding]


4.20.2007

Under The Bleachers

Mark Buehrle
We caught up with Mark Buehrle after his recent no-hitter to ask him how it felt to be a star for a day.

Sooze: Hey, Mark! Thanks for sitting down with us.

Mark: Have you guys ever met my friend A.J. Pierzynski?

Lizzy: No, we haven't had the pleasure.

A.J.: I'll give you the pleasure.

Sooze: So... Mark, how did you feel after your no-no?

Mark: You know, it was really great --

A.J. likes getting punched in the faceA.J.: Have you girls ever "done it"?

Lizzy: Done it?

A.J.: You know, with each other?

Sooze: Wouldn't you like to know.

Lizzy: We've actually never met each other, Mark.

A.J.: He brought me along cause he's shy around girls...

Mark: Shut up dude, you practically begged me to come along.

Lizzy: Back to that no-hitter --

A.J.: I totally called that no-no. I was in the dugout talking crap to Jim Thome and I was all, "Burly's totally gonna have a perfect game." Then he walked Sammy and Jim hit me in the face. He hurt me, see? (points to his misshapen melon)

Sooze: Let me see that (smack!)

A.J.: Ouch!

Mark: You're always such a baby.

David Eckstein is so scrappy and littleA.J.: Nu-UH! Did you see me take down Eckstein on Pay-Per-view? I kicked that midget's ass!

Lizzy: David Eckstein is not a midget.

Sooze: That's right, he's just vertically challenged.

Mark: Ahh, plus that whole thing was set up.

A.J.: Whatever.

Mark: I felt great after my no-hitter. But what really matters is that we won the game as a team.

A.J.: I totally had a hit in that game.

Mark: God, A.J. you're always trying to steal my thunder! You're hitting like, .195 this season!

Lizzy: Yeah, you suck.

A.J.: I totally --

Sooze: I think that's all the time we have for today guys. Thanks again.


3.12.2007

Under The Bleachers

An Alex Rodriguez interview


New York Yankees third baseman, Alex Rodriguez, has agreed to sit down with the Babes to give us a little insight on what makes him tick.

Lizzy: Thanks for sitting down with us Alex. We really appreciate when athletes take time out of their busy, whining, slut-ramming and appletini-chugging schedules to talk with us.

A-Rod: No problem, Lizzy. The four tubes of purple Blistex really helped change my mind. Gotta keep my smackers violet and moist!

Sooze: So, talk a little about your relationship with Derek Jeter. You were quite distraught when he stopped inviting you to sleep over, and you seem to really miss the tight relationship you once had. What happened?

A-Rod: Soozy dear, your guess is as good as mine. I mean, he used to get really mad at me when I left the seat down. I never used to get mad at him when he'd wear my underwear or forget to pull out! I mean, it's devastating.

There was this one time that we stayed up all night before a game, drinking Smirnoff Ice. He threw up all over my "My So Called Life" DVDs and I FORGAVE him. I couldn't stare at Jordan Catalano's sweet ass for days after that! I let that boi get away with so much. (bursts into tears)

Lizzy: There, there, Alex. Time heals all wounds...

A-Rod: BUT LIZZY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I left Texas for him. I picked up my life and sacrificed playing shortstop, all for the love of Derek. The first few months were great - spooning on the team bus and playing Girl Talk by the light of the fireplace on cold nights in Manhattan.

But then, he decided he needed to start dating whores that work for MTV. I showed that Vanessa Minello tramp! She showed up at our place in her Jimmy Choos and Gucci dresses and I slapped that bitch square in the mouth for trying to stick it to my man. Why else do you think she ran screaming into the arms of that jackass who used to be married to Jessica Simpson?

Who gently wiped the blood off of his mouth when he took that face-first spill into the stands? You think he could even have come to my defense when that brut, Jason Varitek punched me? I don't care that he sometimes forgets to change his socks or that he refuses to shave his special parts. And trust me, that boy may have a face soft and smooth like a baby's ass, but his groin is like the black fucking forest. (bursts into tears again, grabs bottle of Xanex and pops a handful of pills)

Lizzy: Oooookay, thanks for sitting down with us, Alex. We really appreciate it.

A-Rod: You girls want to play Mall Madness? Or maybe go see Phantom of the Opera? Derek and I used to do that, he'd cry like a baby during "Music of the Night." We used to role-play to that, too. I'd put on a long blonde wig and pretend I was Christine...

Sooze: Bye Alex.

[Alex Rodriguez Bio] | [Derek Jeter Bio]


3.11.2007

Under The Bleachers


A Roger Clemens interview


Sooze: Roger --

Roger Clemens: Please. Call me Rocket.

Sooze: Rocket. I gotta tell ya, I'm not a big fan. I think you're pretty much full of crap.

Rocket: I think I'm awesome, but let's just agree to disagree.

Lizzy: Let's start with the burning question that everyone wants an answer to. Where will you play this season?

Rocket: Ya know, everybody kind of perceives me as being angry. It's not anger, it's motivation.

Sooze: That's very insightful. Do you think you'll motivate your way to New York this season? Or will you keep that intensity in Houston?

Rocket: I am intense, no question about it. Every time I toe the rubber, it's no different for me than if it was in the World Series.

Lizzy: Your son, Koby, is in the Astros minor league system. When he makes it up to the majors, do you think you'll still be playing at this level?

Rocket: You know how hard I work during my off days? My only day off is the day I pitch.

Sooze: That's pretty hard.

Rocket: Yeah. Told you I was awesome.

Sooze: I thought we agreed you'd be honest with us... but you keep saying that you're "awesome".

Rocket: Can you pitch at the major league level, young lady? I don't see a World Series ring on that finger. (shoves nearby cameraman)

Lizzy: That was uncalled for, Roger. Besides, that's Randy Johnson's move. And Kenny Rogers'.

Rocket: He called me fat.

Disgruntled Cameraman: Yeah well, the truth hurts, Rain Man!

Rocket: That's Rocket Man, as the title of my autobiography clearly states. (hands a signed copy to Lizzy)

Lizzy: Sweet... So, are you ever going to retire, or what?

Rocket: Yeah, probably until June or so. Then we'll see what happens. For now, I'm thinking about starting up my own blog. I'm gonna call it "What's In Rocket's Pocket".

Sooze: Interesting.

Rocket: Go ahead, ask me what's in my pocket.

Sooze: No, that's okay.

Rocket: Really. Ask me. C'mon.

Lizzy: (sighs) What's in your pocket?

Rocket: (pulls hand out of pocket to flip the bird)

Sooze: Very nice.

Rocket: (falls over in a fit of laughter)

Lizzy: Hmm. Speaking of things that are hilarious, I understand your wife, Debbie, has made quite the name for herself with her Bedazzling website. Lots of butterflies, creepy music and plastic rhinestones for denim hats and jean jackets.

Rocket: Yeah, those things are AMAZING! I wanted her to bedazzle my glove, but she said my teammates would just make fun of me.

Sooze: Probably.

Rocket: She bedazzles my name onto the front of my underwear, instead. Bling, Bling.

Sooze: Thanks, Rocket. That's probably more than enough info. See you in New York this summer.

Rocket: Yep, see you there. I mean... we'll see where I end up. If I decide to pitch. Blah blah family blah blah priorities blah blah bedazzling.

[Roger Clemens Bio] | [debbieclemens.com]