Showing posts with label Houston Astros. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Houston Astros. Show all posts


Season Previews: Houston Astros

It's about time to kick off one of our favorite things in all the world: . Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Wrapping up our preview of the National League Central, get a load of the 2012 Houston Astros.

One more year then it's
Adios National League
Selig has spoken

Berkman misses you
But not enough to return
Replace Carlos Lee

Jordan Schafer likes
Ganja peanut butter cups
But then, who doesn't

Amen Bud Norris
We hate Brian Wilson too
So effing stupid

Jed Lowrie at short
Altuve's his dp pal
Matt Downs just in case

Right and left filled by
Brian Bogusevic and
J.D. Martinez

Forget about Cust
That ship has long since sailed
No more bombs from him

Houston Astros to American League, MLB Screws Things Up Adds Two Wild Card Teams

People are terrified of change. It's part of human nature. Look at NFL fans - scared, confused, and alone until like Week 4 before they get the hang of the two or three rule changes that happen every single season.

But we're not pessimists by nature. We're glass-half-full type of gals. So we're just gonna roll with Bud Selig's recent announcement and hope for the best.

Baseball's owners unanimously approved Jim Crane as the new Houston Astros' owner Thursday morning, which means the team will say goodbye to National League rules and move from the six-team NL Central to the four-team American League West as part of his agreement to buy the club. Now everything is even-steven with six five-team divisions all through baseball.

Lance Berkman is Having an Emotional Affair with the Houston Astros

Lance Berkman is all up in the Houston Astros' business, a team he spent 11 seasons with before being traded to the Yankees in July of 2010. He headed back to the National League as a free agent last December to join the Astros' bitter rivals, where he won himself a big fat World Series ring. So, why does he care what happens in Houston?

Simple. He just can't stop loving them. He's like a married man having an emotional affair with his ex-girlfriend. Sure, he loves the cushy life of a World Series Champion, but he yearns for that special kind of love only a high school sweetheart can offer... but not enough to leave.

Bud Norris Calls Out Brian Wilson for Stupid Taco Bell Commercial

Houston Astros pitcher Bud Norris, who has reason enough to dislike Brian Wilson's antics (his team sucks and Wilson pitches for an NL rival who totally won the World Series last season) has called out the San Francisco Giants closer on Twitter.

Norris made it clear in English and Spanish that or whatever he calls himself these days, but that his commercials pretty much suck. . Maybe he can call out Joe Mauer next... he can choose from ads such as Head & Shoulders, Gatorade, Pepsi, Kemps, and of course, Sony Playstion.

Jordan Schafer is High as a Kite and not as Hot as We Remember

Do you ever find some one -- let's say a professional ballplayer for, let's say, the Houston Astros -- incredibly attractive for like two seasons, just to find out that he's actually not all that great-looking?

That totally just happened to us.

Nice mug shot, Jordan Schafer. It's okay to get stoned, just try to not be so high that you get caught next time.

I mean, seriously. Smoking a joint in your Land Rover right next to a cop? So dumb. We are sorry he took your ganja peanut butter cups, however.

Not cool.

Of course, this isn't the first mentally-challenged thing Schafer has done in his life. Back in 2008 when he was just a 21-year-old pup, he took HGH like a total idiot, got caught, and was suspended for 50 minor league ballgames. I'm sensing a pattern here.

Aaaaaaand, of course there's A Hilarious Dugout to accompany the story.



Holy Crap, Wild Card Wednesday Was Nuts

What a finish to baseball's regular season, the greatest show on dirt. That was literally the most exciting night of baseball we have ever witnessed in our entire lives. Sincerely hope you got to see at least one of these games.

The Atlanta Braves and Boston Red Sox polished off their respective collapses while the Tampa Bay Rays made the most improbable comeback of their young franchise's history. Also, Chris Carpenter and the St. Louis Cardinals plowed through the Houston Astros like they had the worst record in baseball... oh, wait.

Guys like Nolan Reimold and Robert Andino, who forced Jonathan Papelbon's soon-to-be infamous blown save, are maybe the last two names you'd expect to hear today. Maybe, if you're living outside of Baltimore, you have no clue who the hell they are. They're spoilers. Season-enders. Game-changers for a day.

Many Red Sox fans, already disappointed with Carl Crawford's once-promising season in Beantown, may want to kick him in the nuts today after his disgraceful, missed catch on Andino's low liner to end the game. Pure laziness. David Ortiz summed it all up in his post-game interview:

"Umm....this is... this might be the worst situation that I have ever been involved in, in my whole career."

Then there's Evan Longoria, who enjoyed a two-home run evening -- one being quite possibly the biggest walkoff bomb of his career -- at Tropicana Field as his Rays rallied from a 7-0 deficit in the eighth inning. And Dan Johnson. Batting .183 on the year and the last guy you want at the plate when your team is down to their last strike of the season in the bottom of ninth, goes yard to tie it up and give Tampa a shot at October.


Braves Drop into Tie with Cardinals for NL Wild Card

“It's like living out a bad dream... You never expect this to happen to you."
-- Chipper Jones

The Atlanta Braves are in the middle of an absolute free fall. In fact, they're all but giving the National League Wild Card to the St. Louis Cardinals.

Derek Lowe struggled once again, surrendering five runs on five hits and exiting in the fifth inning to a chorus of boos from the home crowd at Turner Field during his team's 7-1 loss to the NL East-champion Philadelphia Phillies. Atlanta has now lost four straight and eight of 11, squandering the 8 1/2-game lead they enjoyed just three weeks ago.

Chase Utley, Hunter Pence, and Jimmy Rollins each went yard as the Phillies totally screwed up the Braves plans. They never even had a shot against Roy Oswalt, who gave up only three hits over six solid innings. Atlanta will send Tim Hudson to the mound Wednesday against Joe Blanton in an attempt to wrap up the Wild Card if they emerge victorious and the Cardinals manage to drop their final game of the season.

After rallying from a 5-0 deficit to crush the last-place Houston Astros 13-6, the Cardinals pulled even with the Braves, who had sole possession of the Wild Card lead since June 20. All good things must come to an end I suppose.


Phillies Beat Braves for Win No. 100, Cardinals Lose

The Atlanta Braves were enjoying an early two-tun lead against Cliff Lee Monday night, but the postseason-bound Philadelphia Phillies did what they do best, rallying for their 100th victory of the season with a 4-2 win.

Meanwhile, the Cardinals managed to lose to the last-place Houston Astros 5-4 on a crazy squeeze bunt in the 10th inning, leaving Atlanta's Wild-Card lead at one game over St. Louis. The Braves are on quite the skid at this point, dropping their third straight and seventh of their last 10 for a 9-16 September record with just two games left in the regular season.

This marks the third time in franchise history that the Phillies have earned 100 victories, so that's pretty neat for them. Derek Lowe, who has struggled recently, will pitch for the Braves Tuesday evening against Roy Oswalt while Jake Westbrook (12-9, 4.48 ERA) takes the hill for the Cards against rookie right-hander Henry Sosa, who has never faced St. Louis in real life. Good luck buddy!



Night Of The Walk-Offs

Is it just me, or has Major League Baseball been using this week to try to be a bigger attention whore than a Kardashian? First, you get Jim Thome crushing back to back homeruns to become the 8th player in history to hit 600 homeruns (and just the 5th to do so without being a cheater cheater pumpkin eater). Then, we see not one but TWO triple plays (one of which was totally lame but still not something you see every day). And now? FIVE walk-off wins in one night - one of which was achieved with a grand slam. Seriously.

The Braves beat the Giants with a second walk-off in as many games with a two-out, 11th inning single by Martin Prado. The White Sox did it with a 14th inning single by Juan Pierre to top the Indians - and to gain a game on them in the AL Central. The Brewers had Mark Kotsay as their hero, knocking in the game winner with a single in the bottom of the 9th. But the two most dramatic wins were in Pittsburgh and Houston.


Watch Out Pirates, Here Comes Hunter Pence

The Houston Astros suck a lot right now, but Hunter Pence is on fire.

The 28-year-old outfielder extended his hitting streak to 23 games after going 3-for-4 with 4 RBI in his team's 8-3 win over the Atlanta Braves on Monday.

Pence, who missed his first game of the season on Sunday with tightness in his back, went yard off Derek Lowe in the third inning for his ninth homer of the year and drove in two more with a base hit in Houston's five-run sixth.

His hit streak is the longest in the big leagues currently, while batting .325 with 50 RBI on the season. He's now tied up with Art Howe, Moises Alou and Luis Gonzalez for the fourth-longest streak in franchise history. Good company. If he wants to be the best, he'll need to hit in eight more games consecutively to beat Willy Taveras' 30-game hitting streak from back in 2006.


Ladies and Gentlemen, Tommy Hanson

Tommy Hanson is an animal.

The Atlanta Braves righty struck out a career-high 14 Houston Astros Sunday afternoon in his team's 4-1 win at Minute Maid Park. Hanson surrendered just one run on three hits, improving to 3-0 with a ridiculous 0.97 ERA in five career starts against the Astros. Pretty awesome.

Dan Uggla hit a two-run shot in the first inning off Brett Myers and Brian McCann went yard for another two runs in the sixth to give their starter all the run support he needed for the Braves sixth straight victory.

Hanson -- now 7-4 with a 2.59 ERA -- fanned five in a row early in the game before striking out last three batters he faced. Exclamation point! His 14 K's were the most by a Braves pitcher since the legendary John Smoltz had 15 back in 2005 against the New York Mets. He's now tied with Bud Norris for the most strikeouts ever in a game at Minute Maid Park.

Oh, and Tommy, lose the beard. You look 20 years older than you are, and chicks do not dig that. Besides, how many guys do you know that go by "Tommy" who have face muff? You're not Brian Wilson, man.

[Atlanta Journal-Constitution]


Giants Sign Bill Hall, Freddy Sanchez Lands on DL

The San Francisco Giants have signed on Bill Hall for the remainder of the season after putting Freddy Sanchez on the disabled list with a dislocated shoulder.

According to the Associated Press, Hall was chilling at home in Arizona playing video games with his cousin when his agent called to tell him the Giants may need an infielder.

Just a week after being released by the last-place Houston Astros upon batting just .224 with two homers and 13 RBI, one team's trash became another team's treasure:

"I felt like this was a good option. I know a lot of guys on the team. I’m in first place now. That helps. From what I’ve heard this is a great clubhouse, a good organization."

And it probably pays a bit better than sitting on your ass trying to beat your cousin at Madden.

Meanwhile, Freddy Sanchez was leading the team in hitting with a .298 average when he dislocated his right shoulder Friday night while diving for a grounder up the middle. He was placed on the 15-day disabled list Saturday and is awaiting an MRI exam to see just how bad things are. In the meantime, Hall is a cheap replacement with reliable fielding skills.

Welcome back to the big leagues buddy!

[San Francisco Chronicle]


Carlos Zambrano Snaps Bat After Jordan Lyles Strikeout

Carlos Zambrano was at it again Tuesday night, snapping his bat during a fit at the plate after whiffing on a Jordan Lyles curveball to end the fifth inning of his Chicago Cubs' 7-3 loss to the Houston Astros.

Maybe he was pissed because it was Lyles' first ever major league start in which he happened to dominate seven shutout innings? Perhaps.

This tantrum is the latest in a fairly long line of outbursts during Zambrano's decade-long career. Around this time last season, he was suspended indefinitely by general manager Jim Hendry after going batshit crazy on Derrek Lee in the dugout. Here's a nifty timeline of Big Z's Shenanigans over the years.

Despite being a pitcher by trade, he takes an amazing amount of pride in his hitting. As he should with a .346 average and .538 slugging percentage on the season.


Cliff Lee is an Animal

In his first game back with the Philadelphia Phillies in front of the 138th consecutive sellout at Citizen's Bank Park, it was apparent how much Cliff Lee was missed.

The lefty fanned 11 batters in his team's 9-4 victory over the Houston Astros on Saturday, allowing three runs on four hits behind a 14-hit Philadelphia barrage. He struck out three of the first five batters he faced, and didn't allow a hit until Angel Sanchez came up with a single to lead off the fourth inning.


Wear Your Favorite MLB Team on Your Booty

Victoria's Secret has released a new line of MLB apparel, but it might not include your favorite team.

Are you a Pirates, Blue Jays, Marlins, Braves, Reds, or Astros fan? Too bad. You don't get to wear sexy baseball panties... which is super lame.

I happen to know all kinds of hot ladies who are fans of the aforementioned teams. In fact, they love them so much they blog about them:

Red Hot Mama

Astros-holic Synonymous

I'm disappointed, Vickie's... not that I'm boycotting. I don't think I could handle that.

Speaking of ladies, from being "just another pink hat" to a well-educated female baseball fan. Just the way we like them.

[Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies]


Season Previews: Houston Astros

With Spring Training already underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: . Four years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Finishing up our preview of the National League Central, here are the Houston Astros.

So long to Geoff Blum
Paulino and Matt Lindstrom
Hello Clint Barmes

Bill Hall is new too
Brett Myers has huge eyebrows
Wandy Rodriguez!

Carlos Lee at first
Johnson at the hot corner
Quintero at home

Hunter Pence in right
Bogusevic in left field
Mike Bourn plays center

Will Rowland-Smith pitch?
It's not J.A. it's just Jay
And Bud Norris too


Happy Trails Andy Pettitte

Andy Pettitte has announced his retirement from baseball.

Actually, he'll officially announce his plan to spend the rest of his life being a retired millionaire family man Friday morning at a Yankee Stadium press conference.

Pettitte had been letting on since the end of last season that he was planning on calling it quits. After becoming a free agent, he didn't even attempt to negotiate a contract, so it became pretty clear he wasn't going to play in 2011.

The 38-year-old lefty will hang up his glove with a career 240-138 record and 3.88 ERA over 16 big league seasons. Not bad, but his postseason numbers are what he's most proud of, where he posted a 19-10 record and 3.83 ERA to go nicely with his five World Series rings.

Although Pettitte spent 13 seasons with the New York Yankees, he took a hiatus from 2004-06 to pitch for his hometown Houston Astros. He was 11-3 with a 3.28 ERA in 21 starts with New York last season, limited by a strained groin that landed him on the disabled list for a couple months toward the end of the year.

Lance Berkman Heads Back to the NL Central

Contrary to the recent Oakland Athletics rumors, Lance Berkman is joining a team he has a history of crushing during his career.

The former Houston Astros slugger agreed to a one year deal worth $8 million on Saturday with the St. Louis Cardinals, who have watched him bat .313 against them with 39 homers and 118 RBI over 154 career games.

Will Fat Elvis Be Athletic?

Lance Berkman could be the man to give the Oakland Athletics the big bat they're searching for this winter.

The 34-year-old switch-hitter, who batted .248 with 14 home runs and 58 RBI last season between the Houston Astros and New York Yankees, became a free agent when the Yankees declined his $15 million contract option. Smart.

However, he was compensated with a $2 million buyout, so everybody wins.

Berkman, who has roamed the outfield over his 12 seasons in the big leagues, is looking to play first base or serve as an American League team's first baseman.


Get Well Soon, Chipper Jones

Oh Larry Wayne, it seems like every couple of months we're writing one of these posts asking you to please get well soon so we can watch you rock the Atlanta Braves hot corner.

Chipper Jones isn’t quite sure how badly he hurt his left knee Tuesday night while making a sweet play in the sixth inning of his team's 4-2 win over the Houston Astros. He explained the sensation post-game:
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