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6.20.2007

Elijah Dukes Would Like You To Recognize

In a convincing attempt to confirm the fact that he needs to be put away for good, troubled Tampa Bay Devil Rays outfielder Elijah Dukes called Ron and Ian's Radio Show on .

He starts by asking listeners to look into his estranged wife's background, because the house she grew up in was small and now she has a big one due to his generosity.

Also, he claims to know nothing of crack cocaine... except that you can turn $100 worth of crack into $200 of crack in da hood, dawg.

Just listen. It's ridiculous.

[Hat tip, ] | []

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6.13.2007

Under The Bleachers

We met up with Tampa Bay Devil Rays outfielder Elijah Dukes this afternoon to talk about his many adventures in sperm donating.

Elijah Dukes knows not of contraceptionLizzy: "Elijah, we could begin the interview if you'd kindly get your hands the hell off of me."

Dukes: "Pssh. Whatever, dawg."

Sooze: "It seems yet another young lady has named you the father of her baby - a seventeen-year-old foster child?"

Dukes: "She said she was 18, yo."

Lizzy: "Luckily for you, there will be no legal ramifications since the age of consent in Florida is 16 if the whoopie is made on the love seat of a Foster Home."

Sooze: "How did you react when she told you the news?"

thirst-quenching!Dukes: "Well, at first I wanted to take a picture of my gat and text it to her, but I threw a Gatorade at that [redacted] instead, dawg."

Lizzy: "Hey, it looks like those anger management classes are really working for you!"

Sooze: "Have you ever considered using condoms?"

Dukes: "[Redacted] that, dawg."

Lizzy: "Considering the price of contraception compared to the cost of child support, maybe you should look into that."

Hi! Put me on your junk so you don't make any babies that you don't want!Sooze: "Here, we brought some along for you."

Dukes throws a Gatorade at Sooze

Sooze: "Was that really necessary?"

Lizzy: "Dude. Keep your eyes off of my goods."

Sooze: "Yeah, what the hell? Look here! (points to eyes) Not here! (points to ma'ams)"

Dukes: "I thought I was gonna get some action here, dawg. I'm out."

Sooze: "We look forward to hearing about your next illegitimate child adventure!"

Lizzy: "Don't drink the Haterade!"

[Elijah Dukes Is Such A Bastard] | [] | [What The Hell?]

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Elijah Dukes Is Such A Bastard

Elijah Dukes has some good little  swimmers.Like we didn't already know that.

But check this out: I'm pretty sure he's going for some sort of illegitimate child record.

A 17-year-old foster girl who lives with a relative of Elijah Dukes told police the Tampa Bay Devil Rays outfielder is the sperm-donor in question for her child.

Due to give birth Nov. 5th, the child told investigators she and Dukes had consensual sex on the living room sofa. How romantic.

She also said Dukes got angry when she and a friend told him she was pregnant with his child. When she told him the news of his latest visit from the stork, he threw a Gatorade at her.

Dukes already has (at least) five children with four other women.

This news may also curb the Washington Nationals' interest in Dukes, if they have any clue as to what is best for the club.

*The age of consent in Florida is 18, however close in age exemptions do exist. By law, the exception permits an adult under the age of 24 to engage in legal sexual activity with a minor no younger than the age of 16. Gross.

[St. Petersburg Times] | [Rotoworld] | [The Fanhouse]

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5.29.2007

What The Hell? (Updated)

not an actual pistol.Why the hell is Elijah Dukes still playing baseball? Anyone?

Oh, that's right. There's nothing on beating the crap out of your woman and text-messaging her a photo of a handgun in the MLB rulebook.

Not to mention this small detail: threatening to take her children's lives.

"The Devil Rays organization takes these types of allegations very seriously, but at this point it remains a private matter between Elijah and his family. We will continue to monitor the situation and provide ongoing assistance to Elijah."
Update: It seems that Dukes has made everything better by issuing a public apology...
"I would like to apologize to my family, teammates, the fans and the organization for the distraction that this situation has caused," Dukes said in the obviously prepared clarification. "I would like to thank them for standing by me and hope that my family and I can move on and put this behind us."
Elijah DookieYes! Let's put this whole threat of murdering one of the four women who has reared not one, but two of my five children, behind us all.

Forgive and forget everyone! Carry on.


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