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5.31.2007

Mistresses For MLB Players

Alex Rodriguez cheats on his wife. Crap, the next think you're going to tell me is that Barry Bonds stuck a needle full of cow hormones into his fanny.

So in celebration of Major League Baseball players skankbag ways, I've decided to take a handful of players and match them up with their ideal slutty celebrity equivilant.

  • Lindsay Lohan side boobDerek Jeter and Lindsay Lohan.
    Jeter is one of the few players in the league to embrace his promiscuity, never get married, and make whoopee with just about every hot woman in the world (and not so hot. Jury is still out on Mariah Carey). Lindsay Lohan is a cracked out skank in rehab. I think they'd be great together.


  • Casey Johnson side boob/assJustin Morneau and Casey Johnson.
    Morneau is the reigning AL MVP. Nobody knows who he is. Casey Johnson is the heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune and has been riding Paris Hilton's coattails for a million years now. Nobody knows who she is, either.



  • eli manning at his bestAlex Rodriguez and Eli Manning.
    They'll spend late nights whining about how the "New York media is just so, like, MEAN" and playing Mall Madness. They could also pound Smirnoff Ice Triple Blacks together, then make prank phone calls to Mike Lupica.



  • Tonya Harding cryingA.J. Pierzynski and Tonya Harding.
    Who would own who here? Props to Trey for coming up with this one. I was at a total loss to think of a woman who is as big a bitch as A.J.





  • Ann Coulter is a right-wing bitch, much like Roger ClemensCurt Schilling and Ann Coulter.
    Which one of these two likes to hear themselves talk more? I can imagine long pillow talk sessions over why each of them is so awesome, and why George Bush and Republicans and being a self-important waste of human hot air is so awesome. Imagine the fist-pumping that would probably take place.

  • Scarlett is so hot it's fucking ridiculousDavid Wright and Scarlett Johansson.
    Because I hope, so much, that David is into 5'4 buxom blondes. Only maybe that he might prefer less famous ones, with less awesome lips. And honestly, they're both gorgeous.

    I'd watch them go at it.


  • Roger Clemens' dream girl... if he couldn't choose himself.Roger Clemens and a Life-sized blow up doll of himself.
    Roger loves him some Roger. Because there's no being on earth that can satisfy Roger Clemens like Roger Clemens can.





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3.12.2007

Under The Bleachers

An Alex Rodriguez interview


New York Yankees third baseman, Alex Rodriguez, has agreed to sit down with the Babes to give us a little insight on what makes him tick.

Lizzy: Thanks for sitting down with us Alex. We really appreciate when athletes take time out of their busy, whining, slut-ramming and appletini-chugging schedules to talk with us.

A-Rod: No problem, Lizzy. The four tubes of purple Blistex really helped change my mind. Gotta keep my smackers violet and moist!

Sooze: So, talk a little about your relationship with Derek Jeter. You were quite distraught when he stopped inviting you to sleep over, and you seem to really miss the tight relationship you once had. What happened?

A-Rod: Soozy dear, your guess is as good as mine. I mean, he used to get really mad at me when I left the seat down. I never used to get mad at him when he'd wear my underwear or forget to pull out! I mean, it's devastating.

There was this one time that we stayed up all night before a game, drinking Smirnoff Ice. He threw up all over my "My So Called Life" DVDs and I FORGAVE him. I couldn't stare at Jordan Catalano's sweet ass for days after that! I let that boi get away with so much. (bursts into tears)

Lizzy: There, there, Alex. Time heals all wounds...

A-Rod: BUT LIZZY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I left Texas for him. I picked up my life and sacrificed playing shortstop, all for the love of Derek. The first few months were great - spooning on the team bus and playing Girl Talk by the light of the fireplace on cold nights in Manhattan.

But then, he decided he needed to start dating whores that work for MTV. I showed that Vanessa Minello tramp! She showed up at our place in her Jimmy Choos and Gucci dresses and I slapped that bitch square in the mouth for trying to stick it to my man. Why else do you think she ran screaming into the arms of that jackass who used to be married to Jessica Simpson?

Who gently wiped the blood off of his mouth when he took that face-first spill into the stands? You think he could even have come to my defense when that brut, Jason Varitek punched me? I don't care that he sometimes forgets to change his socks or that he refuses to shave his special parts. And trust me, that boy may have a face soft and smooth like a baby's ass, but his groin is like the black fucking forest. (bursts into tears again, grabs bottle of Xanex and pops a handful of pills)

Lizzy: Oooookay, thanks for sitting down with us, Alex. We really appreciate it.

A-Rod: You girls want to play Mall Madness? Or maybe go see Phantom of the Opera? Derek and I used to do that, he'd cry like a baby during "Music of the Night." We used to role-play to that, too. I'd put on a long blonde wig and pretend I was Christine...

Sooze: Bye Alex.

[Alex Rodriguez Bio] | [Derek Jeter Bio]

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2.27.2007

Gag Topps Card


Somewhere between the final proofing and its printing, someone at Topps thought it would be funny to put a smiling and waving President Bush in the stands and Mickey Mantle looking on from the dugout in a new #40 Derek Jeter baseball card.

A spokesman for Topps said that the discrepancy was discovered during the proofing of the card, but that it was already in the set. "We couldn't do anything but laugh," he chuckled.

This prank will most likely raise the price of the card, which is currently going for $202.50 on Ebay.

This isn't the first card to be tampered with during production. For example, the 1969 Topps of Aurelio Rodriguez featured a photo of a bat boy instead of an infielder. And how could we forget the infamous "f---face" inscribed on the bat of Orioles second baseman Bill Ripken's 1989 Fleer card? Jeter said he didn't know anything about the card and a White House spokesman declined to comment.

Derek Jeter may be pretty good, but he's no Honus Wagner, whose 1909 tobacco card just sold for a record $2.35 million to a Southern California card collector.

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2.20.2007


Derek Jeter responded today to comments that Alex Rodriguez made to the media yesterday, whining about how he and Jeter no longer have sleepovers.

I don't have a rift with Alex," the New York Yankees captain said today. "We go out there. We work together. This is our fourth year to be playing together."

This is just the latest addition to the Yankee player media masturbation fest that has taken place at spring training this year. Mike Mussina came out and was critical of Carl Pavano a while back, there's the ongoing Bernie Williams crying fest, Mariano Rivera taking his contract issues to the NYC back pages, and finally A-Rod crying because Derek doesn't like to spoon in the locker room anymore.

What's happening to the Yankees? When was the last time the Mets looked more respectable than the Yankees? I mean, nobody has come out and ripped on Carlos Beltran for his heavy bat.

Tim Hardaway does not approve.


Source: ESPN

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2.19.2007

Jeter Has Lost That Loving Feeling


Alex Rodriguez has stooped to taking a lover's quarrel to the media, admitting that his relationship with Derek Jeter has "cooled."

"You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over. It's just not that big of a deal," A-Rod told the AP yesterday. TOO EASY.

So what changed? A-Rod got sick of the nipple clamps? He accidentally erased off the Tivo and that was the last straw for Princess Derek? Jeter kept leaving the toilet seat up? Because you know A-Rod pisses sitting down.

What does this mean for the left side of the Yankees infield? Another season of a lovelorn Alex gazing longingly at Jeter while Derek blatantly ignores him?

Sorry guys, I'm a little off today. This one is just too easy. The whole story reads like a pathetic love song from a broken hearted woman. Bring back that lovin' feeling..


Source: Yahoo! News.

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