Voodoo Sabermetrics: Milton Bradley
Welcome back, baseball. We missed you yesterday.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our Lucky Number 13 Edition of VooDoo Sabermetrics. This week's subject is Chicago Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley. Life as a baseball fan just wouldn't be the same without guys like this.
Sooze, Babes Love Baseball and Fantasy Pros 911
Jolliness - Being restrained by coaches resulting in injury, going after television announcers in the booth, not knowing how many outs there in an inning, those run-ins with the cops in Ohio, jail-time, allegedly beating his wife... little things like this don't impede Bradley's happiness. He is, afterall, living the dream. Depending on whether he does something incredibly stupid or makes a sweet play, MB gets 5-out-of-10 green afro wigs on the ever-tipping Jollity Scale.
Theme Song - Many of us have wondered at one time or another whether Milton Bradley actually thinks before he speaks. Or acts... which brings us to his theme song: The Pixies, Where Is My Mind? Track #7 from the 1988 album Surfer Rosa.
Extra P., Bus Leagues Baseball
Name Quality (nicknames included) - Milton Obelle Bradley, Jr. Milton Bradley has sailed his Battleship through the Game of Life, towing a Trouble-causing name ever since the Mystery Date of his birth in 1978. Milton's father (Milton, Sr.), rather than playing the Match Game with his wife, pulled a Twister by filling out the birth certificate while Mrs. Bradley was having an Operation. His decision to name the child after himself caused a Family Feud (the home game). Carrying the name of a board-game magnate put Ants in his Pants, causing a Dark Tower of rage that kindled the Hungry Hungry Hippos of his desire to succeed. His talents have brought him Easy Money, but he has never been able to Connect Four seasons with the same team throughout his career. His tendency to go Bonkers! has turned his career into something of a Mousetrap. All because of a name.
So, for allowing me to indulge, Milton Bradley, Jr. gets a 10 out of 10 for name quality.
Tuffy, and BC Sports Treehouse Fort
Hardness Scale (Like the Mohs Hardness Scale but with more Tuffy) - Milton Bradley seems like an unavoidable risk to some people that recognize the dangers of gambling with one's own money but don't feel they can truly become rich (with a World Series trophy) without pushing the envelope here and there. Hey, everyone does it with a Milton Bradley or a Carlos Zambrano or a Michael Barrett, right? So where's the harm in cutting corners in the clubhouse?
Unfortunately for past and current owners of Milton Bradley, they ignore Tuffy's Hardness Scale, which measures his past indiscretions through the prism of his birthday (April 15th) and determines the hardness of Milton Bradley to be 8.4, which is the same as an IRS audit.
Once all your attempted tricks against the baseball gods are caught, there's nothing to do but suffer through years of remaining contract while being grilled constantly by the press about every minor detail of every deal you've done. The penalty's far too steep for the crime, but the IRS and Milton Bradley have remarkably little sympathy for people that aren't themselves. The next poor sucker to buy in on Milton Bradley would be wise to save the receipt.
Monday Morning Punter, With Leather
One-Liner - "Even now with his seventh team, no one seems to tire of the games Bradley plays, since he's still productive in the one that matters."
So there you have it. Milton Bradley, all voodooo'ed up... as if he needed any help looking foolish. That's all we've got for today!
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