?>

4.10.2009

VooDoo Sabermetrics: Gary Sheffield

Who do the Voodoo
It's been a while since we've done this -- 9 long months, actually -- so it's about damn time. Welcome one and all to our tenth edition of VooDoo Sabermetrics. This time we're analyzing ornery old man/spankin' new New York Met, Gary Sheffield. Here we go: the guy who's next in line for the 500 Homer Club.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball and Fantasy Pros 911

Jolliness
- Gary Sheffield isn't known as the Angriest Man of All Time because he's so jolly. No, in fact, most people who cross paths with him cower in fear or wet themselves. Either way, there is very little eye contact involved. Some might even go so far as to call him an abrasive, offensive, defensive, confrontational, controversial jerk. Maybe even borderline racist. Definitely not jolly. One time, he refused to play in the World Baseball Classic because it didn't pay well... or at all. Then he kicked a cocker spaniel puppy.

I give Sheff -10 out of 10 balled-up mega fists of fury on the Jollity Scale. He would now like to punch me in the face with them.

Theme Song - Denis Leary, Asshole. Track #1 from the 1993 standup comedy album No Cure For Cancer.


Tuffy, and BC Sports Treehouse Fort

Hardness Scale (Like the Mohs Hardness Scale but with more Tuffy)
- Gary Sheffield has been a rare combination of power, range, and anger since he became a Brewer in 1988. Over time, his relationships with teammates, management, and the media decay and cause the entire fan base to find him radioactive. That's when he's given away for pennies on the dollar.

Sheffieldium is a dangerous yet undeniable power source embraced in many parts of the world (currently, New York and Tampa). His Tuffy's Hardness Scale rating is 6.7, though it should be noted that his hardness decays with a half-life of three nonsensical outbursts.

Horoscope (Date of Birth: November 18, 1968) - Scorpios are highly emotional, cocky, stubborn, and considered well-matched with Cancer, particularly clubhouse varieties. Considering the subject, it's a wonder anyone buys this horoscope stuff.

Sheffield will entertain his teammates and feed the voracious New York media maw through the All-Star break but will be released by September as the Mets fall from contention. He will take a disproportionate amount of the blame for Jerry Manuel's firing.

Monday Morning Punter, With Leather

One-Liner
- "Another Detroit layoff running on his last tank of gas."

Extra P., Bus Leagues Baseball

Name Quality (nicknames included)
- Gary Antonian Sheffield.Really, the middle name kind of saves it. Because Gary Sheffield doesn’t sound like a ballplayer, let alone a 215-lb. ‘roided up black slugger. In fact, in the "disambiguation" section of Wikipedia, we learn that Gary Sheffield is also the name of a bobsledder from the 1950s, and a stuffy British World War I historian.

Sheffield’s official nickname is the inventive "Sheff", but JockBio offers up the fact that Gary’s mother called him "Bug". I suspect if you tried to call him "Bug" today, you’d be wearing your underpants as a necktie, but it’s still better than "Sheff". It’s also interesting to note that Sheffield is Doc Gooden's nephew (now that's a good nickname), which begs the question: is it worse to be the cokehead in the family, or the steroid abuser in the family?

Name Quality: Doesn't capture the essence of the man – 3.
Nickname: Had a chance to make up for the name, and failed – 2.

Jon Pyle, Pyle of List

Hotness and SMI
- Gary Sheffield is, and will always be, better as a concept than he is an actual baseball player or human being. He’s the personification of a last minute Vegas run, a cigarette during a night out or purchasing a boat… significantly better in theory than in practice. Sheff’s sex appeal is no exception to the aforementioned rule. A person could easily convince themselves of his attractiveness or attempt to muster excitement for a date despite knowing deep-down in the secret compartments of their heart that they will only wind up severely disappointed. Disappointment is actually on the best case scenario list, as Sheffield has always exuded the kind of underlying creepiness and dishonesty that cause women to start carrying mace.

Factoring all of this in, Sheff scores a Pimp from Pat Benatar’s Love is a Battlefield video (PFPBLIABFV) on the Sexy Man Index (SMI).


Initially intriguing but ultimately dangerous, this guy is five different kinds of trouble. With enough charm to lure you into his lair of iniquity and enough menace to hold you against your will, there is very little sex appeal here. Proceed at your own risk.

There you have it. Check back soon for another edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ha! Love is a Battlefield was my favorite song as a kid. Nice post!