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7.25.2008

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Josh Hamilton


Who do the Voodoo
Welcome to our ninth edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week we're checking out Texas Rangers center fielder Josh Hamilton, his love of all things biblical, baseball and more things biblical. And that one time he got a busload of tattoos and smoked a bunch of illicit street drugs... which you should never try, kids.

I seriously can't believe we haven't Voodoo'ed this guy yet.


Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

the warmest Hamms ever to sit in the Texas sunJolliness
- Josh Hamilton's jollity dates way back to his left-handed 96mph fastball in highschool, which he used to attract the babes when he wasn't roaming the outfield. His spunk carried into his professional career until it dwindled in 2001 with the emergence of his drug addiction. He pretty much quit playing baseball in 2004 and began his quest to become a full-time crack head, which at times can make a person so jolly that they flip out and rob liquor stores.

It took a couple of years and countless lighters, but Hamilton returned to the minors in 2006. Quite possibly some of the jolliest moments of his playing career have been enjoyed this season, where he hit his first walkoff homer, was selected to the AL All-Star starting roster, set a Homer Derby record by nailing 28 bombs in the first round, and was named Player of the Month after hitting .330 with 32 RBIs in April.

His jolliness is based mostly on his love for baseball, his family and Baby Jesus, stifled only by the mention of his 26 tattoos and sordid past.

Hamilton gets 5 out of 10 warm Hamms on the Jollity Scale.

Theme Song - The Doobie Brothers, Jesus Is Just Alright. Track #7 on the 1972 album Toulouse Street.


Doobie.

Extra P., Bus Leagues Baseball

Name Quality (nicknames included)
- Josh Hamilton. There's something about the name Josh that adds a lighthearted element, even to a grizzled, heart-breaking former drug addict who launches home runs with extreme prejudice. The prototypical Josh is Josh Baskin, the only kid in fifth grade who knows what Elizabeth Perkins looks like naked. Joshness is impervious to the vicissitudes of adult experience.

The surname Hamilton is just pure Americana, harking back to Alexander Hamilton, surely the only Secretary of the Treasury to have ever been shot by Aaron Burr. There's always a heart of darkness in this good ole boy.

All Star Air Guitar
Josh doesn't have a nickname that I know of. For some reason, I'm leaning toward "Cool Hand". I think we need to get to work on this. Stat.

Name: 6 out of 10 cans of silly string. Nickname: N/A

Melissa,

Baseball Boyfriend Rating
- I'll admit it: his All-Star Homerun Derby tater-pounding display was hot. That's not just a case of chicks digging the long ball, it's more like chicks swooning over the long-long-long-long(times 28) ball. What can I say, I'm a simple gal: taters are sexy. The tats and the backstory add to the mystique as well, a smidge of bad boy never hurts your Bacon Pants rating. And, of course, he's a looker - the curls are sweet, and he's got a gorgeous smile. Josh's Baseball Boyfriend potential is nearly off the charts. However, I was forced to deduct one bacon for the disaster potential of a guy who can't leave the house without a babysitter (or more than 20 bucks in his wallet). That's just a little too much bad boy for a Baseball Boyfriend.

Baseball Boyfriend Rating: 4 Bacons
(on a 5-bacon Bacon Pants scale)

Kris Liakos, Walkoff Walk

Intensity of Self vs. Intensity of Devotees; Corrolaries and Reflexiveness
- Can you still be a saint if you're maniacally intense? On the field Josh Hamilton tends not to test that question. His skills are delivered quietly. He has none of the batshit pizazz of Milton Bradley, my favorite Texas outfielder. He does have this awesome shirt though. Of course things were not always this way. You may have heard, Josh once did truckloads of drugs. Here's a recap from The Smoking Gun:
Josh Hamilton, the Texas Rangers slugger who emerged as the feel good story of the 2008 baseball season, was arrested in May 2005 following a drunken rampage on his 24th birthday. Hamilton was busted in North Carolina after punching in the windshield of a friend's truck and tearing off the vehicle's rearview mirror (he also broke a baseball bat over his knee).
GET SOME.

As you can imagine, Hamilton's fans weigh in on his life's renaissance on YouTube. How good is his story? Oh, it's only the THE BEST FEEL GOOD STORY OF ALL TIME IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL. With narrative!


Oh, sxyfiregrl7. I think you have a little addiction of your own: hyperbole. But call me anyway, you sound hot.

I give Josh Hamilton AND his fans the intensity of slamming two Red Bulls before church.

Monday Morning Punter, Kissing Suzy Kolber

One-liner
- Didn't the Reds give him away for like $50 and a liter of Hennessy?



Tuffy, and

Hardness Scale (Like the Mohs Hardness Scale but with more Tuffy)
- The hardness of Josh Hamilton is best viewed through the prism of another Texan: Lee Majors. (Okay, Josh only plays in Texas and Lee Majors is actually from near Detroit, but... look, just go along with us on this one.)

Josh Hamilton's career is just like Lee Majors' career tossed in a blender. Kid grows up the Million Dollar Man, becomes the Fall Guy to a series of bad decisions and chemical interactions, and then rebuilds himself into an honest-to-God-for-the-first-time functional human being and high-quality ballplayer.


Then... uhm... he goes on to play in the Big Valley of Rangers Ballpark. Sure. That'll do.

Since Lee Majors is already one of the major calibration points of our scale at 8.0, Tuffy's Hardness Scale rates Josh Hamilton at a slightly tougher 8.2. Extra credit has been given for actually being from the South, finding a kinship with Milton Bradley, and never trying to play a Viking.

Horoscope (Date of Birth: May 21st, 1981) - Dude just takes it one day at a time. Can't blame him.


Clare, Plunk Chutley

The Scale of Macho-tude
- Remember, the Scale of Macho-tude is measured in Wolverines...

rawr.
and Sedarises.

meh.
Let's begin! Josh Hamilton:

Is a big, strapping fellow: +10 Wolverines

Has scores of awesome, bad-ass tattoos: +20 Wolverines (just because I have none of my own doesn't mean I can't admire someone else's)

Much like the apocryphal Striped Shirt Guy, can hit the shit out of a little white ball: +28 Wolverines

Is secure enough in his faith that he enthusiastically talks about it in public: +12 Wolverines (one for each apostle)

Just say no, kids!Kicked drugs: +12 Wolverines (one for each step)

Is the feel-good hit story of the summer: +7 Wolverines

Probably did all the drugs in "Feel Good Hit of the Summer": +7 Wolverines

However...

Regrets bad-ass tattoos as he was high while being tattooed: -4 Sedarises (Embrace them. They're a reminder of a time you never want to return to.)

Has kind of bad hair: -5 Sedarises

Go Jesus!Could you maybe cut it out with the God talk? You're kind of turning off the Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, Wiccan and atheist baseball fans out there: -12 (one for each apostle)

Plays for the Rangers: -16 (because aside from George W. Bush and Nolan Ryan, who follows the Rangers?)

96 Wolverines - 37 Sedarises = 59 points total. That ranks Josh Hamilton as less macho than Chase Utley, but far more macho than David Sedaris. And in keeping with the Rangers theme, I suppose we could assign Josh Hamilton a solid ranking of "Nolan Ryan beating the shit out of Robin Ventura."

Jon Pyle, Pyle of List

Hotness and SMI
- Make no mistake about it, Josh Hamilton is still a bad boy. Sure he’s become the feel-good story of the baseball season by kicking his addictions and conquering his demons. But there’s no denying the smoldering mystery of the kind of guy your parents wouldn’t approve of that still lies just beneath the surface. After all, you can take the boy out of the bad, but not the bad out of the boy… or something like that.

The bad boy factor automatically makes Hamilton hotter. Sorry nice guys (see: ), but that’s just how it goes. While he’s not “steal a car radio for some heroin” bad, he’s still very much “blow-off BP for an afternoon quickie” bad.

Then you combine that bad-boyness with the new-found devoted family man persona and you have a perfect combination of mystery and loyalty that make women weak in the knees. In fact, I’m starting to swoon just thinking about it and I’m a hairy 6’4”, 250 pound straight man. So, yes, Josh Hamilton is incredibly hot. Either that or I need to get the AC in my office fixed immediately.

Josh Hamilton scores a Robert Downey, Jr. on the Sexy Man Index (SMI).


Check back soon for another edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

That was great! What a wonderful crew you guys have here!
-Don

Tater said...

MMP is wrong the Cubs traded Hamilton for 50 bucks and Hennessy.

I think Cincinnati traded him for 100 bucks, a pack of lucky strikes, and a case of Coors.

Bassmaster said...

Josh Hamilton's nickname should just be Jesus. Now I have the Doobie Brothers stuck in my head, but just the doo-doo-doo-doo part.

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