Voodoo Sabermetrics: Ryan Braun

Welcome to our fourth edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics, where we welcome a new addition, Camp Tiger Claw from Walkoff Walk. This week's subject is Milwaukee Brewers stud left fielder, Ryan Braun. Who doesn't love this kid?

Cubs fans? Oh yeah.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
- Ryan Braun has 45 million reasons to be jolly for at least the next 8 seasons. Usually, landing the richest contract in your club's history one year after enjoying the National League Rookie of the Year honors will do that to a guy. Brauny also has a Sporting News NL Rookie of the Year award, a Baseball America Rookie of the Year award, a Baseball Prospectus Internet Baseball NL Rookie of the Year honor, a Topps Rookie All-Star Third Baseman selection, the Brewers' Top Newcomer in 2007 distinction, and a Players Choice NL Most Outstanding Rookie Award, all of which need daily polishing. He's already cleared a spot for a highly-anticipated Kid's Choice Award, as well.

Braun gets a Michael Jackson Grammy Shelf on The Jollity Scale, based on his trophy case alone.

Theme Song - Sure Shot. Track #1 on the 1994 Beastie Boys album, Ill Communication. He's got mad hits like he was Rod Carew.

Extra P., Bus Leagues Baseball
Name Quality (nicknames included)
- Name: Ryan Braun

Braun is a great name for a hitter. It’s also a great name for a shower shaver and an automatic coffee maker, but it’s an especially great name for a hitter. It implies brawn without being too blunt about it. This has also been a great few years for guys named Ryan, from Adams to Zimmerman. In all, not a flashy name, but very direct and effective, and that counts for something in this business.

And he’s Jewish, too. Take that, Eva.

The nickname “The Hebrew Hammer” is apt, as it references both Braun’s heritage and his Milwaukee-centric connection to Hank Aaron. But it is also essentially stolen. Just about every Jewish player who could lay some lumber has tried it on for size, from Hank Greenberg to Gabe Kapler, so I think it behooves us to try a little harder. The kid’s polite, and he hasn’t really made his mark yet, so I’ll let that one marinate. Unless that’s not kosher.

Name: 8 out of 10 potato latkes. Nickname: 5 out of 10 Hebrew National wieners.

Celebrity Equivalent
- The next big young thing? Check. Dark and dashing good looks? Check. A slightly confusing last name to pronounce? Check. Big round saucer eyes that are sort of pretty and yet sort of scary at the same time? Check. Legions of teenyboppers squealing over his every move? Check. Clearly, Ryan Braun IS . They even look alike. In fact, has anyone ever seen them in the same room together? I'm just saying...

Camp Tiger Claw, Walkoff Walk
Intensity of Self vs. Intensity of Devotees; Corrolaries and Reflexiveness
- It's hard to tell whether or not Ryan Braun is intense. Look at this quote about last weekend's series against the Red Sox for example:

"I almost felt like this series, we didn't expect to win. We were competing; I know everybody tried hard. But it's not about trying hard. You've got to expect to win."

So by including himself is he a self-incriminating slacker, or is he trying to use the quote as harbinger of change in the team's intensity level? Who the fuck knows? Well Matlock would, but he's not real. Matlock knew everything. You'd think you had it all figured out, then he'd cross examine you in a grey seersucker jacket and next thing you know you're basically confessing on the stand. He was awesome. Anyway, I'll give Braun credit for only the factory installed intensity that it requires to be a successful pro ball player. Nothing extra.

On the other hand, these people threw a birthday party for Ryan Braun even though he wasn't there and they don't know him. According to director Roxyannee, "We were all drunk, and shortly after this I ended up on the floor with the ice cream." Wild.

Ryan Braun has the intensity of a green grape, while his fans have the intensity of fresh pineapple.

Hardness Scale (Like the Mohs Hardness Scale but with more Tuffy)
- Ryan Braun is a hulk of a man whose range of motion can only be measured with microscopic tools. He lacks a certain sophistication (having attended the University of Miami for the girls) and subtlety. However, the man can flatten a baseball into two dimensions with one swing.

Therefore, for Tuffy's Hardness Scale to be effective, we must recalibrate it to measure the hardness of a golem.

This golem's clay has not fully set yet, allowing a certain softness. Therefore, at his tender age, Tuffy's Hardness Scale rates Ryan Braun at a 5.7. However, when he dries fully in a year or so, measuring him again will likely yield a higher number as long as Ned Yost keeps shoving those slips of paper in Ryan's mouth that simply state, "Hit a home run."

(By the way, someone should tell Ryan that .)

Horoscope (Date of Birth: November 17th, 1983) - Ryan Bruan is a Scorpio.

Unlike his half-sister, Robin, he has turned his back on Port Charles to pursue his fame and fortune in Milwaukee. However, much like all the other Scorpios, he will be called back home to take over the role of police chief when Robin goes missing after a Doctors Without Borders mission to Ghana in 2011.

He will find love with a beautiful tribeswoman come to Port Charles to tell him of Robin's abduction, ferret out that Robin has not been kidnapped but instead run off to join an outer space brothel, and discover the perfect bat while lost in a desolate area of Ghana in a very special episode of his life. He will use this bat in a comeback in 2013 to win the World Series for the Las Vegas Wynns.


Jack Cobra, The Cobra Brigade
Neighbor Quotient
- I've recently moved into a beautiful new house with my girlfriend and one of my main responsibilities is to keep the lawn looking nice. That’s not really a problem for me since I enjoy mowing the lawn, pulling weeds, being out in the sun, etc. The problem is that at 8 am and 8 pm every day my neighbor has automatic sprinklers that turn on to water his grass. Rain or shine. Since I'm not willing to put in the effort, or the money, to install a sprinkler system in my new lawn, I'm left looking at my neighbors pristine, beautiful, plush, green grass every day when I pull my car out of the garage. It pisses me off to no end. I spend hours on our lawn and it looks ok. He has automatic sprinklers and his lawn looks impeccable. It's nearly to the point where I'm thinking of buying a dog so said dog can deposit some samples on his lawn.

Nevertheless, that's how I feel about Ryan Braun. As a Cubs fan I'm supposed to have a dislike for the Brewers but I especially hate Braun. HATE. He has too much talent too early in his career, he plays hard and he always seems to kill the Cubs. Is it wrong to wish that the Cubs would just bean him every time he came up to the plate? I think that if I lived a street over (in the AL) I would really appreciate Braun but since he's right next door to me I'm just imagining the day that I will snap and set his lawn on fire. Rating: -666 out of 10... for no good reason.

Scrappiness - He hits, he runs, he dives, he steals, damn it... I'm tired of talking about the guy already. He's scrappy even though I hate to admit it. Rating: 9 out of 10.

Jon Pyle, Pyle of List
Hotness and SMI
- Let’s not beat around the bush. Ryan Braun is hot. It doesn’t take someone with a PhD in the study of temperature to figure that out. I would write more, but I’m oddly transfixed by the ratio between his boy next door good looks and the lack of sexy pictures circulating the internet. Frankly, I don’t want to live in a world where it’s easier to find pictures of a washed-up celebrity’s vagina or girls eating excrement than a good picture of a damn-good looking man like Braun. That’s not the America I know. So please, for the love of all things holy, take some glamour shots at a local mall Ry-Ry.

Cap’n Braun scores a Jon Stewart on the Sexy Man Index (SMI).

While not jaw-droppingly attractive at first glance, both Stewart and Braun get better looking the longer you stare at their pictures and the more acquainted you are with their work. Like the overachieving Jewish kid that lives down the street, he has a wholesome quality which only adds accelerant to your forbidden inter-faith obsession.

So there you have it. Check back two Fridays from now for another edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics!


Eric (Extra P.) said...

Remember back when porn had a plot? I think "The Hardness of a Golem" would have been a really good one.