Welcome to our second edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week's subject is Washington Nationals center fielder, Lastings Milledge.
There is oh so much more than meets the eye with this guy. There's the sex with minors, high school expulsions, more sex with minors, high-fiving fans at inappropriate junctions, ho-downs, and a rap career which the Nats hope never takes off.
Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
Jolliness - When you and your crew are as fashionably late as Lastings Milledge was during his brief stint with the New York Mets, you don't need jolliness to slow your roll. Frequent injuries are already doing the trick.
The more bling the merrier, right? If that is the case, Milledge gets a grinning Slick Rick on the Jollity Scale: hilariously dorky.
Theme Song - Geto Boys, Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangsta. Track #10 on the 1992 album Uncut Dope.
Extra P., Bus Leagues Baseball
Name Quality (nicknames included) - Lastings Milledge (1827-1888) was the first and only Secretary of the Exchequer in United States history. Mired in financial scandal, he eventually retired to the Nebraska Territories, where he was killed by an aggrieved Osage with a rock.
Ha ha ha, just funnin’ ya. Lastings Darnell Milledge is a professional baseball player, can you believe that? The comedy potential associated with sticking a muttonchop-wearing politician’s name on a young ballplayer who would eventually land in Washington, D.C. is too much to be ignored.
According to Wikipedia, Lastings’ name came from his mother’s desire that he be the last child she bore. Nothing like celebrating reproductive exhaustion on the birth certificate, right? In general, I like this name. It separates Lastings from the pack, which is something his play might never accomplish. I’m not even sure I’d give him a nickname – he’s unique with what he’s got already.
Name: 7 out of 10 starchy shirt collars.
Appearance - Lastings is a man of many guises. , sure, of course. He's also a Presidential candidate (though, Paul Lo Duca, seriously?). Even that's not enough, as Milledge is also a lover. But he's also a gangsta, so watch your ass. And a gay cowboy, so watch your ass. Lastings, you're like a never ending gift, and for that, I name you Cheesecake Factory, where the food is bottomless.
Quotability - "I've always been humble. I don't ever say, 'I'm the best guy on the team.' I just go out there and play to the best of my ability. And usually, I come out on top." I'm modest, ya know, too. I just walk around the lockerroom naked after games, and, usually, I have the biggest dong. I'm meak, too, motherfucker. The other day I was thinking about volunteering to help teach underpriviledged children to learn how to read. And just thinking about it was the most rewarding experience I've ever had. I'm like Bennigan's up in here. Why? Because I like Bennigan's, you knobs.
Celebrity Equivalent - Lindsay Lohan. The potential young star who shows flashes of brilliance, yet still manages to show up to work late and piss off the boss. But with less arrests and crotch flashes.
Jack Cobra, The Cobra Brigade
Neighbor Quotient - Have you ever had that neighbor who seemingly had an absolutely beautiful house but upon further inspection....the paint is chipping, the house has termites, there is garbage all over the living room and the garage door has a hole in it from a 'domestic dispute'??? That house is exactly what the career of Lastings Milledge looks like so far. Rating: -1 out of 10.
Scrappiness - "I just botched the play," ... "I should have charged (the ball) a little harder ...... I came up and then I kinda just flipped it and he took off. He took advantage of me." - Lastings Milledge.
Players who are scrappy do not let things like this happen and this is not the first time for Mr. Milledge. Whether he's been 'hot dogging' it for the Mets or the Nationals he has consistently been un-scrappy as he watches his homers leave the stadium and barely jogs around on the field. Rating: 2 out of 10.
Hardness Scale (Like the Mohs Hardness Scale but with more Tuffy) - Thinks a few naughty words in a rap song is hardcore. Loves what Roger Clemens did with his sex life. Finds fashion inspiration from Wanya Morris. Giddily high-fives the crowd after a home run like a little kid.
Finally, named "Lastings Milledge".
On the Tuffy's Hardness Scale of 1-10, Lastings Milledge ranks at 2.2. This is the same ranking as botan rice candy.
He's got a soft center and even his paper-thin exterior melts fairly easily under pressure. However, the kids love him... you know, if there's no other candy around.
Horoscope - (Date of Birth: April 5, 1985) - Lastings Milledge's sign is Aries, the Ram. He does not hear the noise you are trying to impart upon him. He tends to keep it real. Unfortunately, he keeps his real at room temperature on the kitchen counter instead of the refrigerator, making it prone to spoiling. Contrary to popular opinion, he is indeed down with that (whatever "that" may be).
Milledge is also a man of action as long as that action does not involve a baseball glove. The only acceptable mentors for Milledge are Dmitri Young and Fred Berry (sadly deceased). Favorite phrases include "whatever", "you're not the boss of me", and "I am *so* out of here when I'm not arbitration-eligible anymore!". His lucky numbers are .260, .330, and .400.
Sarah, Strikezones & Endzones
Behavior - Milledge's behavior has definitely made a Lastings impression on the team (I will never get tired of that joke). The fact that Milledge had to sit out most of a game due to being late tells us all we need to know. Managers don't sit out players for one tardiness. Obviously there's more going on in the locker room than one late practice. And let's not forget that Milledge was disciplined for being late to practices with the Mets too. Hire a driver for heaven's sake! One of those alarm clocks that punches you in the head, man!
But there's more in Milledge's behavior history than that. He served a three game suspension last year with the Mets for returning to the field after an inning to argue a call. But lets not forget the classy rap song Milledge did with his own label Soul-ja Boi records. "Got a lot of dicks for ya stupid ass bitches." What saves him from being called out as a degenerate though, is that these infractions are seemingly minor and appear to not be out of maliciousness, rather stupidity. Milledge scores a Screech on the Saved by the Bell Behavior Scale.
Only the best for L Millz bitches.
Jon Pyle, Pyle of List
Hotness & SMI - If you’re asking yourself: “just how hot is Lastings Milledge?” you’ve come to the right place, my friend. I, JP, will guide you to your answer, noble pursuer of hotness.
I am underwhelmed by the hotness of Lastings Milledge. He’s not cute enough to appeal to the standard of hotness defined by teeny-boppers and the elderly. He’s also not quite handsome enough to make the grown and sexy feel Aretha all-over (that is, like a natural woman). Despite his best efforts, he also lacks the serious bad boy appeal many ladies long for in a man. His antics are closer to “unstable stalker” than “dangerous rebel stealing my heart as you ride away on your motorcycle”. That makes him a wannabe bad-boy, one of the lowest rungs in the hierarchy of male personas (falling between Mama’s Boy and Pathetic Loser).
Overall, Milledge scores a Milhouse on the Sexy Man Index (SMI). He’s slightly too odd to elicit “cute hotness” and too eager as the false rebel to be taken seriously and classified as “sexy” hot.
So there you have it. Check back next Friday for another edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics!