Dear Barry Zito,
You know, I like to think that we're pretty nice girls. When we see a big leaguer in desperate need of a pick-me-up, we do everything in our power to find a way to help.
After starting your horrid season off at 0-6 with a 7.53 ERA, and having your manager hurl you out of the rotation and into the bullpen, it's time to take more drastic measures.
That is why we've created a list of potential for you, the slumpingest pitcher in baseball.
Britney Spears, The Loon.
The once-blonde bombshell knows all about career slumps. Of course, going from being one of the hottest pop stars in the world to dropping her bastard children on their heads after snorting illicit street drugs will do that to a girl.
This move may seem a little over the top, but sometimes you have to dig all the way to the bottom of the barrel to find your way. It's what slump-busting is all about, my friend. Just look at Kevin Federline! He once appeared on an episode of CSI.
Mindy McCready: The Home-Wrecker.
Oh Mindy... where do we begin? Here's another young singer whose future was bright at one time, until she found herself in abusive relationships, addicted to pain killers, stealing others' identities, attempting suicide, and beating the crap out of her own mother. But take a look at The Rocket! He earned four Cy Young Awards in the time they were knocking boots.
Just remember to deny, deny, deny when she submits anonymous tips to the NY Daily News 10 years down the road.
David Hasselhoff: The Manwhore.
This diamond-studded uh... stud has been busting slumps since 1975, while playing "Snapper" on the Young and the Restless. He moved onto bigger and better things such as Knight Rider and Baywatch, where he no doubt helped the careers of Pamela Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth take off like a prom dress.
You may not think you swing that way, but trust me. The Hoff will convince you otherwise. This is your starting job we're talking about here!
Debbie Clemens: The MILF.
There's nothing quite like a housewife scorned, and this big leaguer's woman has been stung again and again. If this muffin-baking mama doesn't bust your slump, then at least you'll get some sparkly, Bedazzled coasters and hot mitts out of the deal.
The Ugliest Broad in the World: Your Last Hope.
Citing The Guinness Book of World Records, this video speaks for itself. This is your absolute last resort, but if 1-4 don't do the trick and you've visited every tranny hooker in San Francisco, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
I suppose if all else fails, you could always just drink one of these.
Babes Love Baseball
Dear Barry Zito,
Posted by Sooze
Tags: , Slump