Diary of a Total Masochist

So today, in the spirit of the bloody awesomeness that is baseball, I decided that I was going to get up at 5am and head out to a bar to watch the Red Sox open the 2008 season in Japan. Above you will see the obligatory "I just woke up at fucking 4:45am" on the left, and on the right is the

4:43 a.m. - Inner baseball alarm clock goes off. I am slightly peeved by this as I was hoping to sleep until five to get a full four hours. But fuck it. It's REAL BASEBALL SEASON.

5 a.m.- Brush teeth. Drink Red Bull #1 and 2. Shoo cat away from clawing Sox hat. Put on Beckett Jersey.

5:02 a.m.- Frantically search for housekeys.

5:05 a.m. - Find housekeys in pocket of pants I am currently wearing.

5:07 a.m. - Read NY Daily News interview with A-Rod. Snicker to self.

5:10 a.m. - Leave apartment. Get to lobby of my building and notice someone has puked on the floor. God bless NYC.

5:20 a.m. - Get to 145th Street Subway station. On the way to station, "Tessie" comes on iPod. Totally an omen.

5:35 a.m. - Fuckin A train. Get on Subway. Snooze till 34th Street.

5:50 a.m. - Arrive at Dunkin Donuts. Order coffees for myself and my bartender. Have to repeat order 77 times because non-english speaking Dunkin Donuts man can't seem to get a grasp on the concept of "two medium coffees, milk and no sugar."

5:59 a.m. - Get on 1 Train.

6:07 a.m.- Arrive at Riviera. But not until some crackhead attacks me on 7th Avenue demanding $9.50. because, and this is verbatim "I paid some girl 10$ for freaky sex and now I don't know how I'm going to get home." I fuckin hate New York sometimes.

Now, I know I am probably clinically insane for dragging my ass downtown to a bar to watch a game at 6 a.m., but apparently there are plenty of people who are just as batshit crazy as me. Bar is pretty much full. Riveria gives us free coffee and breakfast. But cannot serve liquor legally until 8 a.m. BOOOOOOOO.

6:20 a.m. - God, Dice K sucks at baseball. How can a guy have 24 strikes and 25 balls BY THE SECOND INNING.

6:27 a.m. - Hah. JD 'Nancy' Drew must have woken up with a hangnail, as some dude named Brandon Moss has started in right field.

6:30-7:15 a.m. - Mainline coffee. Eat tons of free and delicious fruit. The sun comes up.

7:45 a.m. - The bartender's brother and this nice feller Billy and me start a countdown till we can drink bloody marys. We're going to need them the way Dice K is pitching. And also after listening to the mind-numbing, self-oral fellatio that Bud Selig has given himself.

7:52 a.m. - The consensus is that the broadcast would be far more entertaining with Jerry Remy. Well, because he's probably drunk out of his mind.

8:00 a.m. - Bar opens. Bartender Beau makes me the strongest bloody mary I have ever consumed in my life. It'll go well with the coffee, three Red Bulls, and quart of strawberries I have already consumed today.

8:30 a.m. - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH KYLE SNYDER. aka, 'Bizzaro Bronson Arroyo.' Snyder proceeds to suck like usual, and gives up a two-run homer. Sigh, its so nice to see things never change.

Now, this is when I kind of stopped taking notes as to what was going on (as far as times go) I DO know that I was interviewed for television. WNBC 4 in NYC. So if you're in the area, tune in at noon. The guy next to me knocked over his Guinness while I was talking. Also, that Moss kid hit a homer to tie the game in the 9th. The highlight for me by far, was when Manny hit that two run double off the wall, and in typical Manny fashion, assumed it was a home run and spent at least 3 seconds standing at home plate admiring it before he realized that well, HE NEEDED TO RUN. Although I suppose we're lucky that Manny even realized there was a game going on.

Welcome back to baseball, everybody.

Here's a bunch of pix from today's festivities in Japan


AJ said...

Yay baseball!

I have trouble making people understand my milk, no sugar coffee order but I think it's because they don't understand how one can drink coffee without sugar.

Eric (Extra P.) said...

I like my coffee like I like my alternate uniforms - black.

I lied, I hate black alternate uniforms. But it made for a nice phrase.

Hilarious stuff, Lizzy. Makes me glad I live in a place where nobody leaves puke just lying around. Oh, wait, I have a five-year-old and two cats. I just lied again.

Jay said...

Good stuff. WTF was Snyder doing in there though? I'm not ready to get stressed by the Sox.

Also, the express station is key for catching the early morning naps (I live near the 145th St station too).

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Nicely done. The experience may have been miserable... but you'd be much more frustrated with yourself had you slept through it!

Anonymous said...

I just puked when I saw your picture.

Sooze said...

I just puked when I read your comment, dickface.

Nicely done as always Lizzy...

SlickBomb said...

Great stuff, Liz. I would have loved to be there with you! Even if it is a bunch of drunken, pizza-throwing degenerate morons, it'd still be a great place to watch a game. It's always 5:00 somewhere!

Lizzy said...

Calling me ugly is so tired. Please, if you're going to insult me, jack up the creativity a little.


I heard Manny successfully placed a piece of sushi in his mouth with two chop sticks, threw his hands up in the air, and walked out without paying.

CW aka Chad Sexington® said...

It's always "anonymous" who leaves the extra-douchey comments. I must say he's remarkably prolific in the blogosphere.

Also, screw Boston.

Fred said...

I drink my iced coffee black - I once had a standoff with a guy at a Dunkin' Donuts in Davis Square (Somerville, MA) - I ordered an "extra-large iced coffee - black" - he asked "no sugar?", to which I replied "right, black", and then he said again "so, no sugar?" - basically, I refused to say "no sugar", I just kept saying "right, a black iced coffee" - finally, though, he broke me down and I gave up ... "*sigh* ok ... no sugar"

The Omnipotent Q said...

The Riviera is so passe. Professor Thom's in the East Village is the place to watch the Red Sox in NYC...

gilbert said...

Great diary.

I envy you east coasters -- you could get up early to watch the game. On the west coast, I wasn't going to get up at 3 or stay up all night with work the next day.

Why do people comment as "anonymous" anyways? It's not that hard to think of a fake identity to use, is it?

Anonymous said...

a few points:

The expression "batshit crazy" is really overused and unoriginal, particularly among sports bloggers.

Making a big deal about immigrants not getting your order right is also unoriginal and a little unfortunate.

Moving from New England to NYC and complaining about crazies on the street is really unoriginal. That's like getting off the Mayflower and bitching about Indians.

And we've all gotten up early to get drunk and watch a sporting event.

Not sure what you're bringing to the table with this post.

dbacksbuzz said...

Very nice Nancy Drew blast...so true...he's on my Fantasy team and of course inserted him in the starting lineup...should have known Nancy would tweak something...

stv364 said...

I really hate the Red Sox, but they are good, & I hate them.

God Bless Baseball!!


(Yeaaa, a Yankee fan - still upset over 2004)

UKChris said...

Anon is a moron. Any chick that knows and likes baseball is, by definition, hot.


BTW, part of my verification code has WKY (Western Kentucky). Is that a sign of things to come when they play UCLA?

Sorry for the non-baseball question.

TK said...

Being an overly critical asshole is really overused and unoriginal. Not sure what anonymous was bringing to the table with that comment.

Sadie said...

Well, the Sawx have the best record in baseball and Manny is on pace to reach over 600 RBI this season! Things are looking good for Beantown.

GalactusIV said...

Try saying Large Black Coffee instead. Oddly enough, its even harder to understand than asking for milk (of any kind) and sugar (of any variety)

Megs said...

Sounds like you had a blast, Liz! I got to be late for work "due to extra innings" The bossman was none too pleased.

P.S. How adorable are your pigtails?!

Aras said...

I know a lot of you live in the Midwest too - it just won't feel like baseball season until it gets above 50 degrees!!

It warms my heart, though, when the Yankees lose. Sorry Yanks fans.

I'm getting ready to be the official towel girl in the Tigers locker room. so I'll bet it will be a busy summer.

How lame is someone that can't even make up a name to attempt a half-assed insult?

AJY said...

Please refrain from adding pictures of yourself to your blog. It makes reading your terrible attempt at humor that much more difficult.

rationalpsychic said...

Long live baseball! Down with steroids and HGH!

And may Bud Selig have a case of Jock Itch so intense that he misses every home run hit by a Milwaukee Brewer in the 2008 season!