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A Fan Letter to Hank Steinbrenner

Dear Hank,

I know this must be odd, as I'm sure you're not used to getting fan mail from Red Sox Nation, but I just wanted to tell you what a fantastic job you are doing at turning the Yankee organization into a giant joke.

First of all, there was the A-Rod fiasco. You took the stance of the angry boyfriend, and told the belligerent and over-emotional vagina that is your starting 3rd baseman that if he decided to give the proverbial middle finger to the Yankees and opt out, you would not negotiate. Now, I'm not sure if this was ever fully disclosed to A-Rod, or if he'd OD'd on his birth control pills when Satan Boras told him, but the New York media certainly knew. Because that is typically the best way to negotiate with a player, on the back pages of the New York tabloids.

Low and behold, when Slappy McTampon Face found out that he was demanding a salary higher than the GNP of most third-world nations, he came crawling back. I'm curious though, all of New York believes he's returning because of that gaping hole in your face, has a contract been signed yet? Didn't think so. What about Mariano? Paying a guy who's best days are LONG gone 14 million a year for the next three years is seriously one of the greatest ideas I've ever heard.

More recently, there is the issue so close to my Sooz's heart. Johan Santana. The Yankees have offered The Latest Guy Compared to The Obese Dinosaur, Phil Hughes. You have told any media outlet that would listen that your offer goes off the table on Monday. For the love of ROGER, Hank, do these Midwestern morons even KNOW who they're dealing with. They're dealing with the YANKEES. The greatest team to have not won a World Series in 7 years. Those cheese-eating pussies with their funny accents should be chomping at the bit to get a guy who, albeit 22, spent most of 2007 injured. And just to show how fucking generous you are, you threw in Melky Cabrera. Robinson Cano will end up crying himself to sleep every night because he and Melky won't be able to take their pepperoni nipples and run train on groupies anymore. But you're still willing to part with them, to take Santana off of the Twins' hands. As we say in Boston, Hank, you're WICKED PISSAH!!!!

In closing, I'm thrilled to sit back and watch you completely destroy all the good that Brian Cashman has done for the Yankees organization. Fuck the prospects, who needs 'em? Throwing bajillions of dollars at aging stars is the way to build an team. The Twins have no idea that they are dealing with Hank Steinbrenner, Diet George, George Lite, the badassed motherfucker who doesn't need your crappy Cy Young winning pitcher. Doesn't the rest of baseball know that the only way to build a team is to keep the media sucking at your proverbial teet? Keep fucking all of baseball with that proverbial iron wiener of yours, Hank, I seriously think I'm you're biggest fan.

LOVE,
LIZZY XOXOXOXOXOXXO


13 Comments:

Anonymous said...

What the fuck was this all about? PMS?