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9.18.2007

Baseball is Better than Men Because...


So, in order to channel my sleeplessness, anger and impending nerves about 17 hours on an airplane, I bring you the reasons that baseball is superior to men.

1. No matter what, every single night between April and October, its always on AS SCHEDULED at 1:05, 3:55 on Saturdays, 7:05 or 10:05 for a West Coast game. Baseball is always on when it says its on, and there's always LEGIT excuses for it not being on, IE rain. And even then, the games are made up. Baseball is "never too busy for you."

2. Every single date with baseball is always entertaining. Whether it's human batting target Kevin Youkilis getting beaned for the 7 billionth time, Clemens and Schilling engaging in a battle of the AARP members or Scott Proctor setting his jock strap on fire, something interesting always happens before, during, or after a baseball game. Even watching Baltimore getting blown out 105 to 3 during a meaningless game is more entertaining than about 99 percent of dates I've been on.

3. Even when your team goes down in a brutal extra innings game, you know that they tried their hardest and that no matter the horrific outcome of Aaron fucking Boone belting a home run in the bottom of the 10th in the 7th game of the ALCS, you know that your team is just as broken hearted as you over the outcome. Boys let you down and its all "oops, sorry hon, I'm going drinking with my buddies."

4. People want to listen to you cry in your beer over baseball. And there are always people crying with you. Sobbing into your Stella because your boyfriend got you a gym membership for your birthday, not so much. You can always find people who offer good advice on dealing with crushing losses in baseball. Nobody has an answer to why men have their heads permanently lodged in their sphincters. Nobody.

5. Baseball listens when you scream at it for pissing you o...wait, no it doesn't. Well, at least they have that in common.

6. Short of me meeting Josh Beckett and being his girlfriend, there's nothing that could shatter the image of him in my head being a perfect gentleman who is hung like an elephant, opens doors, pays for dinners and returns phone calls. Same goes with David Wright and Jonathan Papelbon. I can exist on my plane of oblivion and there's never a reality check to ruin it.

7. If your team irritates to the point where you absolutely cannot handle anymore, you can pick another team to root for without having to explain to them why you are breaking it off. Hell, there's never any crying or yelling, and it doesn't even hurt that much.

8. The games are mostly predictable, 9 innings, hopefully a great deal of hitting and throwing, and maybe a bench clearing brawl. Boys will lure you in with charm and affection and empty promises only to disappear off the face of the fucking earth's surface two months later. You know what you're getting into with baseball games. Men are about as predictable as a pregnant woman in her third trimester. And without the excuse that there is a human growing in their stomach.

9. Shared love of baseball is the very seed of the majority of many of my friendships. Shared disgust for the Y chromosome is the very seed of many of my friendships...Oh, wait...

10. The very early morning hours of October 28, 2004 is still light years better than any sexual experience I have ever had.

And with that, I'm off to the South Pacific for a week. Peace out, kids.

Editor's note: Please refer to the comments section for a hilarious male perspective on why baseball is better than women. Well done, fellas.


25 Comments:

goathair said...

Switching teams that you root for is for jerks. Take it back.