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5.31.2007

Mistresses For MLB Players

Alex Rodriguez cheats on his wife. Crap, the next think you're going to tell me is that Barry Bonds stuck a needle full of cow hormones into his fanny.

So in celebration of Major League Baseball players skankbag ways, I've decided to take a handful of players and match them up with their ideal slutty celebrity equivilant.

  • Lindsay Lohan side boobDerek Jeter and Lindsay Lohan.
    Jeter is one of the few players in the league to embrace his promiscuity, never get married, and make whoopee with just about every hot woman in the world (and not so hot. Jury is still out on Mariah Carey). Lindsay Lohan is a cracked out skank in rehab. I think they'd be great together.


  • Casey Johnson side boob/assJustin Morneau and Casey Johnson.
    Morneau is the reigning AL MVP. Nobody knows who he is. Casey Johnson is the heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune and has been riding Paris Hilton's coattails for a million years now. Nobody knows who she is, either.



  • eli manning at his bestAlex Rodriguez and Eli Manning.
    They'll spend late nights whining about how the "New York media is just so, like, MEAN" and playing Mall Madness. They could also pound Smirnoff Ice Triple Blacks together, then make prank phone calls to Mike Lupica.



  • Tonya Harding cryingA.J. Pierzynski and Tonya Harding.
    Who would own who here? Props to Trey for coming up with this one. I was at a total loss to think of a woman who is as big a bitch as A.J.





  • Ann Coulter is a right-wing bitch, much like Roger ClemensCurt Schilling and Ann Coulter.
    Which one of these two likes to hear themselves talk more? I can imagine long pillow talk sessions over why each of them is so awesome, and why George Bush and Republicans and being a self-important waste of human hot air is so awesome. Imagine the fist-pumping that would probably take place.

  • Scarlett is so hot it's fucking ridiculousDavid Wright and Scarlett Johansson.
    Because I hope, so much, that David is into 5'4 buxom blondes. Only maybe that he might prefer less famous ones, with less awesome lips. And honestly, they're both gorgeous.

    I'd watch them go at it.


  • Roger Clemens' dream girl... if he couldn't choose himself.Roger Clemens and a Life-sized blow up doll of himself.
    Roger loves him some Roger. Because there's no being on earth that can satisfy Roger Clemens like Roger Clemens can.






27 Comments:

ian said...

That's awesome. Scarlett can come over my place any day she wants

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