Under The Bleachers

A Roger Clemens interview

Sooze: Roger --

Roger Clemens: Please. Call me Rocket.

Sooze: Rocket. I gotta tell ya, I'm not a big fan. I think you're pretty much full of crap.

Rocket: I think I'm awesome, but let's just agree to disagree.

Lizzy: Let's start with the burning question that everyone wants an answer to. Where will you play this season?

Rocket: Ya know, everybody kind of perceives me as being angry. It's not anger, it's motivation.

Sooze: That's very insightful. Do you think you'll motivate your way to New York this season? Or will you keep that intensity in Houston?

Rocket: I am intense, no question about it. Every time I toe the rubber, it's no different for me than if it was in the World Series.

Lizzy: Your son, Koby, is in the Astros minor league system. When he makes it up to the majors, do you think you'll still be playing at this level?

Rocket: You know how hard I work during my off days? My only day off is the day I pitch.

Sooze: That's pretty hard.

Rocket: Yeah. Told you I was awesome.

Sooze: I thought we agreed you'd be honest with us... but you keep saying that you're "awesome".

Rocket: Can you pitch at the major league level, young lady? I don't see a World Series ring on that finger. (shoves nearby cameraman)

Lizzy: That was uncalled for, Roger. Besides, that's Randy Johnson's move. And Kenny Rogers'.

Rocket: He called me fat.

Disgruntled Cameraman: Yeah well, the truth hurts, Rain Man!

Rocket: That's Rocket Man, as the title of my autobiography clearly states. (hands a signed copy to Lizzy)

Lizzy: Sweet... So, are you ever going to retire, or what?

Rocket: Yeah, probably until June or so. Then we'll see what happens. For now, I'm thinking about starting up my own blog. I'm gonna call it "What's In Rocket's Pocket".

Sooze: Interesting.

Rocket: Go ahead, ask me what's in my pocket.

Sooze: No, that's okay.

Rocket: Really. Ask me. C'mon.

Lizzy: (sighs) What's in your pocket?

Rocket: (pulls hand out of pocket to flip the bird)

Sooze: Very nice.

Rocket: (falls over in a fit of laughter)

Lizzy: Hmm. Speaking of things that are hilarious, I understand your wife, Debbie, has made quite the name for herself with her Bedazzling website. Lots of butterflies, creepy music and plastic rhinestones for denim hats and jean jackets.

Rocket: Yeah, those things are AMAZING! I wanted her to bedazzle my glove, but she said my teammates would just make fun of me.

Sooze: Probably.

Rocket: She bedazzles my name onto the front of my underwear, instead. Bling, Bling.

Sooze: Thanks, Rocket. That's probably more than enough info. See you in New York this summer.

Rocket: Yep, see you there. I mean... we'll see where I end up. If I decide to pitch. Blah blah family blah blah priorities blah blah bedazzling.

[Roger Clemens Bio] | [debbieclemens.com]


Geeeeena said...

HA! HA! Bedazzling is gay.

ian said...

nice work.....very dang funny

extrapolater said...

Oh, you're getting linked for that!

Megs said...

R is for Radical
O is for Outstanding
C is for Cheeseburger
K is for Strikeout
E is for Everything
T is for Totally AWESOME!

Sooze said...

M is for Magical
E is for Egg
G is for Giggle
S is for SASSY!

Megs said...

high five.

Bassmaster said...

Debbie Clemens' website tops the list of creepy things I've seen in recent memory