Under The Bleachers

An Alex Rodriguez interview

New York Yankees third baseman, Alex Rodriguez, has agreed to sit down with the Babes to give us a little insight on what makes him tick.

Lizzy: Thanks for sitting down with us Alex. We really appreciate when athletes take time out of their busy, whining, slut-ramming and appletini-chugging schedules to talk with us.

A-Rod: No problem, Lizzy. The four tubes of purple Blistex really helped change my mind. Gotta keep my smackers violet and moist!

Sooze: So, talk a little about your relationship with Derek Jeter. You were quite distraught when he stopped inviting you to sleep over, and you seem to really miss the tight relationship you once had. What happened?

A-Rod: Soozy dear, your guess is as good as mine. I mean, he used to get really mad at me when I left the seat down. I never used to get mad at him when he'd wear my underwear or forget to pull out! I mean, it's devastating.

There was this one time that we stayed up all night before a game, drinking Smirnoff Ice. He threw up all over my "My So Called Life" DVDs and I FORGAVE him. I couldn't stare at Jordan Catalano's sweet ass for days after that! I let that boi get away with so much. (bursts into tears)

Lizzy: There, there, Alex. Time heals all wounds...

A-Rod: BUT LIZZY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I left Texas for him. I picked up my life and sacrificed playing shortstop, all for the love of Derek. The first few months were great - spooning on the team bus and playing Girl Talk by the light of the fireplace on cold nights in Manhattan.

But then, he decided he needed to start dating whores that work for MTV. I showed that Vanessa Minello tramp! She showed up at our place in her Jimmy Choos and Gucci dresses and I slapped that bitch square in the mouth for trying to stick it to my man. Why else do you think she ran screaming into the arms of that jackass who used to be married to Jessica Simpson?

Who gently wiped the blood off of his mouth when he took that face-first spill into the stands? You think he could even have come to my defense when that brut, Jason Varitek punched me? I don't care that he sometimes forgets to change his socks or that he refuses to shave his special parts. And trust me, that boy may have a face soft and smooth like a baby's ass, but his groin is like the black fucking forest. (bursts into tears again, grabs bottle of Xanex and pops a handful of pills)

Lizzy: Oooookay, thanks for sitting down with us, Alex. We really appreciate it.

A-Rod: You girls want to play Mall Madness? Or maybe go see Phantom of the Opera? Derek and I used to do that, he'd cry like a baby during "Music of the Night." We used to role-play to that, too. I'd put on a long blonde wig and pretend I was Christine...

Sooze: Bye Alex.

[Alex Rodriguez Bio] | [Derek Jeter Bio]


Sooze said...

...spooning on the team bus.

Lizzy said...

Sooz would you spoon with me on the team bus?

Sooze said...


Rich said...

I need some whiskey after that shit... Anyways, as long as you two spoon safely, I approve of this!

But you two made A-Rod cry... :-D

I'm still calling slap fight, by the way.

The Lady said...

All these great A-rod stories accross the baseball blogosphere, all because he uttered one word: "Sleepover." Hilarious, ladies!

Megs said...

you girls are ridiculous. i love it.